I went through this past week with the darkest cloud over my head. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, but what do you do when shit happens and there is no reason? Suddenly, the philosophy I stood so firmly on was defied in the cruelest way. No matter how hard I tried to tell myself that life challenges us in the weirdest ways, and I should just suck it up, there was nothing that could justify this.
With so many birthdays and holidays, December to me has always been a month of celebrating life and joy. But with life there’s also death - and while it makes an amazing juxtaposition in literature, we all know that death doesn’t really go with life nor joy. We toast to adding a year to our age, but we would never pop champagne for someone who has passed. Seeing life and death brought so literally, tangibly close together this past week has made such a powerful impact on me. In midst of laughter and friends, celebrating my own 22nd birthday, I felt hopelessly sad. This made me think whether I was selfish for grieving and as a result not grateful for the happiness so blatantly laid out in front of me. More than ever it made sense to celebrate life and to enjoy every moment while we can, but it felt so wrong to not be mourning a life so freshly lost.
Today, for the first time this week, I woke up without my anxiety toppling over me. While still bruised, my heart was whole. Somehow, because it’s December and because I tend to be more social this time of the year, I ended up not so alone with my feelings. I’m not usually (read, never) good at seeking support of other people - strangers/friends/people I haven’t spoken to in years – but I can’t deny that their presence (even just those who wished me a happy birthday) brought me comfort.
I still think that everything happens for a reason - just reasons that we have to trust without knowing what they are. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to let it be a reminder, a reminder to appreciate the people around us just a little more, to hold on to the things we believe in a little tighter, and to not let a day go by for granted.